Breaking Point: A reflection of 2022
All of the success I’ve had this year came at a breaking point. Earlier this year, I was working and mapping out where I wanted to be in the next year and I told myself, I could choose to stay stagnant or go after what I truly wanted. I’ve talked previously about how strong of an emotion fear is but what I didn’t talk about was how it was literally crippling me. I was so afraid of some of the most minuscule things I was missing out on opportunities and it drove me into a deep depression. I was randomly on a zoom call one day in a breakout room and the topic of anxiety came up, kind of out of the blue but actually it was perfect timing for me. I asked someone I consider a friend now about Bible verses around anxiety because I felt like they really lacked context, like it just did nothing for me. And he told me to read the entire verse, something I honestly had never done because people would just randomly tell me, “God said be anxious for nothing” so I thought that was the whole verse.
After reading it and doing a devotional on the entire verse I saw things in a totally different light. I was able to think of the possibilities and “what if” scenarios if I truly gave God control and it honestly changed my life. It’s not easy to let go of control and trust a situation will work itself out. I was so focused on never letting a “what if” opportunity happen I was causing more and more anxiety for myself. PJ Morton has a song called “Watch The Sun” on his latest album that really resonates with me.
In “Watch The Sun” PJ Morton sings,
“Just wait 'til the morning
I know it's been so dark for you
Watch the sun come shining through
Do you believe it?
There is no judgment
A place where we've all been
There is no such thing
As happy one hundred percent
So give yourself some grace
Give yourself some space to feel”
For me, he really reaffirmed my feelings. It’s okay to feel your feelings and recognize that things mite not be going my way, but it’s not forever. And I would rather have a real experience than not ever feel anything at all because I’m too afraid to take the risks. People will often say to me now, “Amber you just out there living” or “I see you just doing your thang” and they’re right, I am. For me, living in my purpose and being able to serve my community starts with how I treat myself. At one point I was so overwhelmed from offering support to others and being there for them that I was neglecting myself. Community doesn’t just look like caring and supporting others. It’s also caring for yourself, setting boundaries for yourself, and supporting your own wants and needs and because I often feel pulled in so many directions it can really be hard for me to choose.
Well, this year I decided not to choose. I decided to go for it all and I killed that shit. From leadership positions, to my career, to my yoga practice, even to moming Mac. With those choices came a lot of sacrifice and I often felt like I was letting people down. I wasn’t there for my mommy like I usually am, my friendships were strained because I wasn’t as available as I used to be, and my standards for relationships had changed. In hindsight, it was all for the better. I learned that friendships don’t have to look the same, they should evolve and grow just as people do. Dating is interesting, I’m used to being perceived by people but in reality they don’t like me as a person and that’s hard. This year I wasn’t letting things slide anymore and my temperament for bullshit was way lower. Y’all Nigerian cousins didn’t make it very far, which was expected. But, being more cutthroat helped me value the relationships I did form and it’s okay to date people for the experience. Realistically, some things have to be experienced to know if you really do or don’t like it.
So, my biggest takeaways of 2022 are pretty straightforward: Stop holding back, you can have it all.
