My mind is fighting with my soul

In my most difficult moments I find so much solace in writing and the season I’m in right now is no different. My only grandfather passed away two weeks ago and I feel like I’m in a constant state of exhaustion and sadness. My papa’s passing has me really re-evaluating the things I’m involved in and how much I give to others that aren’t pouring back into me. Even as I was grieving the biggest loss I’ve ever experienced I was also managing caucus members at a conference, working, and attending a fellowship retreat for a prestigious fellowship I was accepted into. I’ve gone back and forth with myself over the last week about whether or not I should have stayed or gone home, but I think in the moment what I needed was a distraction until I was ready to process my feelings and that’s okay. I’m learning that everyone has their process and they won’t always look like other folks.

I’ve been listening to “I wonder if I’d say No” by Common Hymnal and there’s a specific line that continues to draw me in.

“My mind is fighting',

With my soul,

Too afraid of letting go

All that shines aint,

Always gold,

Finding peace in letting go”

So many factions of grief are just being able to take time to feel your feelings. That was extremely hard for me, in some ways because when I did the weight of the grief and sadness felt unbearable. I felt like there was a large boulder weighing me down with no signs of relief. And when I contemplated those lyrics and how they made me feel I really resonated with them because the pain I was feeling in my soul was in conflict with the responsibilities my mind was telling me I’m falling behind on. So much of that is capitalism but it’s also a safety pre-caution my brain has built to protect me from pain. Our brains are so amazing and powerful in the ways they work to protect and shield us but sometimes that can be to our detriment.

Holding in my emotions in the moment and stuffing my grief down didn’t help and it felt like they exploded out of me when I was walking into my Papa’s funeral. What felt like a panic attack was the release I had been avoiding and needed. In that moment I found so much peace and solace in letting go and I’m working to honor those feelings everyday. The process of grieving someone who poured so much into me and contributed heavily to the person I am is other worldly if I’m being honest. And as a person who has actually never had a problem with death, I was really throwed off by this experience. I’ve always felt like death was normal, realistically we can’t all live, there aren’t enough resources for all that. But that was before losing someone close to me. Now I see what people mean when they say losing someone changed them.

My Papa was such a monumental person, I’ve never seen a funeral that was completed packed out for a non-celebrity. Folks were parked on the grass and down the block and seeing that just really sunk in for me how big of a loss this was. As I reflected on who my Papa was to me, I saw so much of myself. My tendency to hop on the road and take a trip (no matter the time), my love for politics and being able to have in depth conversations about complex topics, my great musical taste lol. I owe it to my amazing Papa who I know would be so proud of the person I am and will continue to be.