It's weighing on me, Nina

I often choose music as therapy for myself during rough or uncertain times and this year has been no different. I’ve never experienced a global pandemic before, so this whole experience has honestly been a lot for me to process and handle all at once. I have very high functioning anxiety and depression and have had it for years since high school pretty much. Staying inside my house and not going anywhere was horrible for my mental health, but I pushed through as I usually do. Then the murder of Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, and George Floyd happened pretty much back to back and once again I put my mental health on the back burner and leaped into action because I felt compelled to stand up for the black bodies that were brutally murdered. All of this has happened within just as few months, all while still dealing with a global pandemic. And though the weight of grief and sorrow has continued to get heavier and heavier, I have pushed through. Wale’s words in “Love me Nina” often echo in my head. 

“We make depression look so effortless,

We desensitized while America tryna kill our kids, 

So, it’s weighin’ on me Nina,

It’s weighin’ on me Nina”

The hardest realization has been not knowing what or where I’m going to be in the next year. I’ll be finishing my Master’s degree in less than a month and I have no job prospects or next steps. The options I had considered and lined up are not possible now because of COVID-19. I didn’t get accepted into other programs I applied too and just admitting that honestly feels like a stab wound. I don’t know how to process rejection well, I have always taken it really hard. The feeling of failure is almost crippling to me and triggers my anxiety. Then I end up overcompensating in other parts of my life, which is a bad habit I’ve adopted. This pandemic not only brought those bad habits to light but also gave me a chance to correct them and acknowledge that it’s okay to feel and be hurt. The strong black woman stereotype is just that, a stereotype. It’s not real, Black women are more than just strong and they deserve the grace to feel those other emotions too. 

The whole point of writing this post was to get my feelings out there in the air. I’ve been tweeting a lot during the pandemic and talking with other millennials my age who have helped me realize my disappointment is valid and they have the same fear as me. Seeing how selfish people have been and continue to be is a hard reality for me to accept. I have had more time for passion projects and that’s been helpful. My hope for myself is that as I continue to fight injustice while deciding what to do with my life that I will also continue to put myself first. I hope those of you reading this do the same.