I try…

I hate the pressure I’ve put on myself to achieve so much that I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom when I don’t attain something. I’m working really hard to be intentional and in the moment when I accomplish something but it’s hard. I’m always asking myself “what’s next” or “where do you see this going”. Honestly, I’m way too hypercritical of myself, and it makes failure so hard to process, so this blog is my way of talking through that.

I feel like people look at you differently when they know you failed at something. Once they know you failed it’s almost like they see through you and your flaws are visible. That you’re no longer considered great or a hero of some sort to them. You’re just regular, incapable, and your mistakes and missteps are on full display. There’s a lot to unpack there I know. I don’t want to be seen as a hero, I do want to be considered capable and good at what I do. I think that’s realistic for me and doesn’t add unnecessary anxiety. But where I mess up at is not setting clear boundaries for myself and taking on too much from other people I had to learn to separate my own aspirations from other people’s aspirations they have for me, because it’s not the same.

I’ve been listening to “I try” by DOE and I’m constantly hearing the lyrics in my head.

Sometimes I live my life like I got something to prove
Get caught up in opinions, I got so much to lose
If I don’t perform well, talk well
Give the people what they want or imma catch hell

It really makes me ponder over how much of my dreams are influenced by others around me and how much is what i really want. I think constantly about what it would have been like to grow up without the internet, where people’s perceptions are so easily accessible and their opinions are given unsolicited often.

So at what point of failure, or perceived failure, do you keep trying? 

That’s what I’m trying to answer for myself. Is a dream really meant to be if you’re still struggling to attain it. And while I’m achieving at other things and other fields I can’t break into this one. So is it me? Is it not meant to be? 

I feel like God wouldn’t give me all of these affirming signs that I’m meant to be in a certain field if it wasn’t what I’m supposed to do. I feel like this is a push and re-affirmation that my dream mite look different than I thought it would. But it’s also really painful for me to process my emotions around it. But I know the unsettled feeling I have won’t go away for a reason, I’m meant for more. And my fear of failure isn’t nearly as strong as my fear of regret.